Manual for Dictators

Tutorial on how you can take over the world domination
Tutorial, wie Du die Weltherrschaft an Dich reißen kannst

To read this text in your own language, just click on „Translation“ on the right side.

Dear Dictator,

If you want to take over the world domination one day, you have to follow some rules, which I will show you in this manual.

I know this very well, because every morning I take over the world domination anyway.

Of course, there are some other dictators in the world that you can take a good example from.
I’m not naming names here because they are your new competitors.

You know:

There can be only one.

And it goes like this::

  1. Establish a throne
  2. Set up a foreign account
  3. Gather vassals around you
  4. Write a doctrine
  5. Build an enemy image
  6. Buy a luxury yacht
  7. Destroy your critics
  8. Surround yourself with many, many bodyguards
  9. Falsify the elections
  10. Let the people cheer you regularly
  11. Do not die too early

1. Establish a throne

A throne is important because the people must be able to look up to You.
It must be made of gold to show the value of what you give away.
You know very well that democracy is for wimps.
So you have to show toughness.
The best way is Coca-Cola, with pretzels and coal.

2. Set up a foreign bank account

A lot of people will profit from you, and they will give you rich gifts in return. But so that you don’t look so stupid when some democrats impose sanctions against you, you have to choose in time a South Pacific country with a central bank that does not impose sanctions on you.

3. Gather vassals around you

You need a fan base.
Your followers obey you to the letter and do everything you tell them.
The important thing is: Their IQ must reach a maximum scale of 30, and their brain must have a maximum size of a walnut.
For the IQ test they all have to show you a valid sperm sample and a stool sample.

Do appoint 7 new constitutional judges, 1 new police chief, 1 new bank chief and a new editor-in-chief for television and for the largest newspaper.
If inflation once again rises higher than the midday temperature in the Sahara, then that is perfectly normal.
Then just let the key interest rates be lowered again. Let the others talk.

The fan community must be able to roar very loudly, and they must be able to write your name on posters, and every Democrat who says something against you gets a full punch in his face.

Marching and waving flags is fun for the people.

4. Write a doctrine

Tell the people what they should think. Make them afraid of the future and offer yourself as their savior. Tell them what they should believe in and what they should not believe in.
Write a book, get the Nobel Prize in Literature for it, and give your daughter the Medal of Honor.

But it’s best to let them believe in their own country. After all, patriots can shout quite loudly.

The best conspiracy theories are against Democrats or against a hidden world power that eats children and implants micro-chips in you. That works perfectly.

Appoint a general

And very important: Every word you say is a lie. Always lie, no matter what. Lying is better than the truth. The truth is only for wimps. (See above on chapter no. 1) .

5. Build an enemy image

Tell your people who is evil. Any terrorists or invaders or zombies. Show great gestures of your vigorous defense. Build borders and fences. This always goes down well. Make friends with other dictators and insult the democrats. This way you’ll score a lot of points with your fans.

6. Buy a luxury yacht

You have to show off like hell. Your success is the proof of your teaching. Buy yourself a really long luxury yacht with 2 helicopter landing pads and of course with an incredible number of girls in bikinis. If you are afraid of the water, then a Boeing 747 is also possible. The disadvantage is: Not as many girls fit into the Boeing as on a yacht.

7. Destroy your critics

Critics are the same as the evil terrorists. You have to lock them all up. Preferably the opposition leader. You must shout, „Lock them up, lock them up!“ … The idiots shout along and then storm the government building.

Especially if your approval ratings drop, you’ll have to go all out to get the nationalists on your side. Greek islands are the best way. You start a fight or a war with your neighbors.
If they are missing, then look for democrats. They always work.

8. Surround yourself with many, many bodyguards

The very, very bad terrorists (disguised as journalists) are of course out to get you personally. And so that they don’t assassinate you, you need about 3 dozen bodyguards around you.
One of them will surely stand in the way and catch the bullet that is meant for you.

9. Falsify the elections

To falsify an election, you have to cheat the Democrats. The best way is to shift the constituencies so that the result of your supporters is always slightly ahead.
Make it difficult for Democrats to get to the ballot box. Put the election day on a working day. For absentee voting, there is only one mailbox at the North Pole.
The larger the evil constituency, the fewer helpers will be at the polling place. Bribe the poll workers and destroy the „evil“ votes.
If you’ve been to jail before (unless you’ve already gone on a rampage), you can never vote again.

Electoral college: The system works best with electoral college votes, which completely distort the counting of the majority. For every 10 million votes, the electoral man who can sing the Yankee Doodle flawlessly gives you one point.

Remember: Democracy is always against you.
Voters are enemies and wimps. (See above on chapter no. 1).

10. Let the people cheer you regularly

Today, everything is done through social media. You need an account on Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, Instagram, Tinder and TicToc.

Every day, two camera teams have to be around you and post everything you give away (see chapter no. 1 above).

Every day is election campaign. Before you take your daily nap, you have to make a speech in a football arena and be cheered by the people.

11. Do not die too early

All right. At some point they will shoot you, or lock you up.
But that doesn’t matter, because at least you had your fun and showed it to everyone.
Your fans will visit you more often anyway.
But it would be good if you don’t die too early. In any case late enough, so that it doesn’t take too long, if you get a life sentence.


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Greetings from Martin

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